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Question: Hi Lynne,
Should a person who is not yet divorced be dating? This seems like a no brainer to me but I feel a tug to ask someone else for their insight.
Thanks in advance.
Answer: Well, it's a great question, because it's not so obviously a no brainer for many people. I have heard—and was probably influenced by myself—so many different justifications for dating when only separated. And we could debate theology, whether a marriage is defined by God or by the laws of the land, etc.
But my very strong advice now, being older and hopefully wiser, is to wait, wait, Wait! I know of cases where the other partner did a complete turn-around later...but it was too late, as their spouse was already emotionally involved with someone else. And even if there is no possibility of reconciliation with the estranged partner, chances are the person can use the healing time until the divorce can be final anyway. If we are that frantic to have a new relationship, we're still desperate to fill up holes in our heart, and are therefore not going to make a Wise Choice!
No matter how long a marriage has been dying, there is a final grief process when it is finally dead and buried: the death of the dream, the pain over what it has done to the kids, how hard it is to really forgive the ex, how strange it is to see him or her remarry, and maybe even how frustrating it can be to see him or her join a church or new group of friends and be accepted there. And we don’t want to taint the joy of a new relationship—which is going to have enough trouble and hard work of its own, yes?—with all this old pain. So, please just wait, and give the process the time it needs. What's the rush?
Thanks for asking! Lynne
